protective heart

I place things into my heart

Nurturing and cultivating with tenderness

Opening up to new possibilities

And experiencing different adventures

I am willing to put myself out there

Submerge my whole heart into it

Take chances

I try not to hold back or to hold on

Giving people and things space to be

Just as they are

But when it comes to speaking about matters of the heart

Face to face

I struggle

My mind goes blank and words just flow out of me

I am not even sure of what I am saying

It feels like an out of body experience

Just like when I speak in front of a large group

When the moment is over and I have a chance to breathe

I wonder why my mind took over like that

Was it trying to protect my heart from being hurt

It seems to go into this defensive mode

Feelings I wanted to express never come out

Things I wanted to share stay tucked away inside my heart

In the aftermath I struggle

Wondering why I can be so open to take the chance in the first place

But then hold back in saying what I really wanted in the moment

It is something I know I need to continue working on

With each experience being conscious of this habit

Slowly peeling back the protective shell

To reveal the tender open heart within