As the year is coming to a close I have intentionally slowed down. I am taking inventory of all that has happened and savoring the beautiful moments that made me smile. I am so grateful for connection. For friends, family, and love that keeps me moving. They come in close, hold my hand, listen deeply, and let me know that I am seen and heard. It is these connections that help me get through during the darker moments.
2015 felt like a whirlwind. I can barely remember the beginning of the year and anything that happened before May. It is as if my year began the day my mom was rushed to the hospital because she was having trouble breathing. We had no idea what was going on and thought that maybe it was just some symptoms from the radiation she was going through. Then the words "the cancer has spread to the liver and lungs and it's stage four" were spoken and life as I knew it changed forever.
My focused shifted to spending as much time as I could with her. I wanted to do anything and everything I could to make her a little more comfortable and see her smile. Downloading movies, buying pajamas, washing her hair. I would have done anything. I am grateful for those moments we got to spend together and will cherish them deeply. Our connection and bond strengthened in those moments and we both felt how deeply we love one another.
Outside of that hospital room I tried hard to hold it together but there were moments when I would crumble. There were no words to be said, just tears that fell. In those moments Dustin pulled me in close and held me tightly. He got me tissues and told me stories when I just wanted to get my mind off of it. This deep connection helped me through.
I still have no idea how to live this life without my mom. I miss her every single day. I never expected this to happen at this point in my life and it still feels like it isn't real. I am grateful for the deep connection with my family that my mom instilled in me. She taught how important it is to stay close, to spend time with one another, and to show up when people need you. My family has done that with me and our connection has grown even deeper.
Life is about the connections. It is about being with one another. Sharing our hearts, being vulnerable, and showing up. We need to hold hands with one another. Shower love upon each other. Listen when others speak and be there. That is what get's me through and I am so grateful for all of it.