It has been a year since my mom passed and all of the emotions and feelings that have run through me since then have been of deep sadness for losing her. My heart heavy. My mind in complete disbelief. There are moments when it still doesn't feel real.
And then today as I sat down at my desk a new feeling bubbled up. Above my computer are photos of her and in each of those photos she is filled with so much life, love, and happiness. I can see it in the way she holds her grandson, the bright smile on her face as she sits with her sister-in-law and daughter-in-law, and how happy she is to be surrounded by her family.
Seeing her so alive made me feel angry that she had passed. She was taken to soon, a few days shy of her 60th birthday. We had a surprise party planned for her and then she got sick. It all happened so quickly. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She was supposed to get old and cranky and drive me crazy.
Even though it is inevitable I never once thought about a time when my mom wouldn't be here. Her spirit so young and alive. Her heart so open. It doesn't feel fair that she was taken. She still had so much love to give, especially to her grand kids who she absolutely adored.
Inside me the anger swirls. I want to know why but I also know that is an impossible question to answer. We never know why one thing happens over another. All we can do is learn how to live within the confines of the new "normal".
It doesn't seem fair. It doesn't seem right. It breaks my heart into a million pieces. Through the anger I try to collect the pieces of my heart and remember the moments, the laughter, the jokes, the time spent together.
I think I am going to be here forever, but truth is I do not know when it is my time to leave. It is something I have absolutely no control over. I plan for the future. I run from one thing to the next. I hurry to get it all done. But through the chaos I know that I must slow down and savor the moments.
I need to take in the beauty that is around me and appreciate the love that I am shown. For these are the tiny moments that create my life. There will be a mixture of emotions each and every day for this is all part of being alive. I need to recognize and feel these emotions but I also need to feel the moment I am in.
I will stand holding the anger but also holding love. Without so much love there wouldn't be anger for what was lost. And one thing is for certain, I am so grateful for the moments I had.
there is something about mothers
Today I would also like to share with you the words that I spoke at my mom's service.
As mother and daughters tend to do my mom and I did not always have the best relationship. But as I got older and out of adolescence our relationship blossomed into a beautiful friendship.
My mom taught me so much and I am love seeing her in so many of the things I do. It reminds me that she is always with me.
Here are the words I spoke at her service: there is something about mother's